Saturday, 23 February 2008

The Diaries of Sir Robert the Violent: Volume IV

as told by Sir Robert

15 Atraie 1832

Ingrate! Ingrate! INGRATE!!! That's what that excuse of a princess is! After all I've done for her. First, I carried her over my shoulder when she wasn't feeling well. And then, I got Mazzy to carry her. And to top it all off, had I not instructed Mazzy to find her a doctor to tend to her, she'd probably be dead by now.

According to the doctor, it seems that Emeline had caught a severe case of Blue Fever. Symptoms include delirium and a tendency to blow the smallest of issues grossly out of proportion. And that's just the early stage; if allowed to continue the patient will slowly start turning blue until she dies from being mobbed by a bunch of irate villages who will mistake her for a goblin. Maybe I should have let that happened.

Admittedly, I must have made a wrong turn somewhere along the way to Velnheim. But then again, it's difficult to navigate when you've got a petulant little brat of a girl hanging over your shoulders, constantly telling you that you're heading the wrong way. Such things do tend to rub off on you. Not to mention the fact that this girl is rotten luck to begin with. Ugh!

So we're not in Velnheim. Yesterday, I had to find out where on Dargenvale we were, so I stopped a passer-by to ask him some questions, and this was how the conversation went:

"Good day to you!" I had said.
"Up yours!"
"Why, thank you. Could you please tell us where we are?"
"I said, up yours!"
"Oh how very kind of you to think so, but could you-"

And the passer-by just walked off in a huff. Just like that. Rather conflicting behaviour I daresay. But it mattered not, for I soon had found another passer-by who was not as polite, but willing to answer my questions, no less. The conversation went as such:

"Good day," I had said, "can you please tell us where we are?"
"Sure. You are in Here."
"Yes, I know I'm here, but surely you could tell me what this place is called?"
"Yes here," I had said, getting a little bit frustrated, "but where is here"
"Here is here, and here is Here. You are in Here."
"What? You mean here as in 'not there'?" I was clearly getting confused.
"Oh no, There is about twenty miles south of Here."

I had given up at that point; proceeding further would have been akin to dragging a dead cow up a steep slope. Instead, I poked around the town for a bit until I came across a rickety sign that said "Welcome to the Town of Here".

So we are in Here! Why didn't that idiot just say so?

16 Atraie 1832

Learnt a little more about Here today. This small town turns out to be the venue of a biannual Wizards and Witches convention! And as luck would have it, the convention was held today. Hmmph! Never really liked Wizards to be honest. They're a rather snobbish lot if you ask me. But out of curiousity, I decided to go take a look.

I stopped by a booth that demonstrated how one could make a potion out of dragon's blood that would reverse the effects of aging. Fascinating! The one who manned the booth was a young warlock who introduced himself as Dorgray. I told him that I myself was on a quest to slay the dragon that was plaguing Dargenvale. He seemed very impressed at my courage and valour, and rightfully so, I might add! Anyway, Dorgray offered to teach me a thing or two about dragonslaying. I am to meet him by the fountain in the Town Square later this evening.

I would have invited Emeline to accompany me to meet the warlock, but unfortunately we're not on speaking terms. This morning she launched into her usual tirade about me getting all of us into trouble. Naturally I had to defend myself against her callous accusations! Might I remind her that if it weren't for my brave deeds, Emeline wouldn't be where she is right now! Some of the things she said about me are simply unjustified!

She did however say some very nasty lines. This was the part of our argument that hurt me the most:

She said, "I hate you, Sir Robert! I hate all that you've ever done! I hate the way you look (she's obviously lying here)! I hate the way you talk! I hate the way you walk! I hate everything about you!"

I said, "it matters not, Emeline! For it is your sister Princess Juliana that I truly love!"

Then she said, "HAH! Then joke's on you Sir Fart-a-lot! Because I AM Princess-"

"-Juliana's sister!" Mazzy had quickly chipped in, "and Sir Robert, your hair is a mess! You better have that fixed!". Ah Mazzy, Mazzy. That's why I keep her around, she's always so mindful of my appearance. Funny the way she suddenly spoke up like that, though. Normally she just sits quietly in the corner whenever Emeline and I quarelled.

Anyway, that was this morning. Right now, I'm off to see Dorgray. Slipped a note under Emeline's door to tell her of my whereabouts. Hmmph! So she hates me. Big deal.

Only, why does my heart feel so heavy then...

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