Sunday, 26 February 2012

Wednesday, 23 December 2009

The Diaries of Sir Robert the Violent: Volume VII

as told by Sir Robert

24 Atraie 1832

I would like to say that my trip to Velnheim was prompt, uneventful and stress-free.

But I can't!

And that is partially because I've been running into pockets of resistance every which way I go. Whenever I would pass by a village, the woman would run back into their cottages, holding their children close. And in a matter of short moments, a mob of angry villagers would storm out, hefting pitchforks in their burly arms.

"Begone, Sir Robert the Violent! For you are not welcome here!" they would say

I had begun to plead my innocence, but they would have none of it! I could see the anger in their eyes. Anger... and... I believe... fear. Whatever the case, they wanted me out of their, and I quote, 'peaceful village' as soon as possible. And considering how they had begun to throw anything they could get their hands on in my general direction, I was more than happy to oblige. Not so peaceful, if you ask me!

25 Atraie 1832

My search for Emeline remains futile. For no one was willing to lend a hand to aid me. Each village that I had ventured near all greeted me with the same mindless violence. Maybe they don't like the way my hair was done. After all, it has become more and more of a disaster with each passing day that I am bereft of my beloved hairbrush. My once-dashing countanence is now marred by this haggard, disheveled excuse of matted tangled locks. Can life get any worse?

1 Loares 1832

I must learn that whenever I end off with the words "can ... get any worse" in a previous entry, it will only be a matter of time before I find out that it most certainly can.

The day started out better than I would have hoped. My fruitless search for Emeline led me to a quaint little town. Upon arriving, I had a conversation with the townsfolk, and it went something like this:

Me: Before you say anything! May I ask if you know who I am?
Man: No, I haven't. Please stay in this town! You are welcome here!
Me: Oh thank you! Thank you most kindly! You should have heard of the travesties I've had to endure in all the other towns prior to this
Man: I have not heard of such travesties that you speak of. And I do not think you deserve such ill treatment
Me: Yes! Most certainly! I need to know if you've seen a girl in a grey cloak pass by of late.
Man: No, I haven't seen such a girl.
Me: Well, mayhap you can aid me in my search then?
Man: Of course! We shall most certainly help you!

By this point, majority of the townsfolk had begun to gather around me. I felt comforted that at long last I may have finally found the help that I very much needed...

Me: Many thanks then! Where shall we begin the search.
Man: I think you understand. We shall most certainly help you.
Me: Yes, thank you! I believe you already said that once.
Woman: And yet you seem to get it that we intend on helping you. (she had spoken up from the crowd)
Me: Well, aren't you?
A Third Man: Now if you don't stay, we won't hurt you!

Something in me didn't add up, and there it was again! That look! That look of anger, hatred and fear welling up in their eyes, all this while they spoke kind and comforting words.

The next thing I could remember, I was making a mad dash for the town gates, with the angry populace hot on my heels, shouting pleasantries and assurances that they don't want to hurt me. I darted through the cobblestone roads, past the old well, over the bridge, through the barnyard, into the town square, past a sign saying "You are not welcome in the Town of Opposites", across the fields and finally through the town gates.

In my hurry to escape, I had scaled a rather tall tree. Sheltered in the shade offered by its leafy covering, I stayed hidden in the tree until the maddened frenzy had died down. It was at that point when I felt the greatest sense of relief.

That is, until I realized that I had just upset a vespiary.

Thursday, 17 December 2009

The Diaries of Princess Juliana: Volume VIII

as told by Princess Juliana

4 Loares 1832

the parakeet talks.

I was almost going to catch it for lunch too. Looked like a tasty lunch. Mmm.

Well, I was hungry! and it's unheard of to let a princess go without her breakfast! That Sir Chunky Legs sure is trouble. Running off just like that!

Anyway, anyway - focus!
What are we to do with Sir Chunky Legs' mysterious disappearance?
Ahhhhh! Bother! Where has he gone off to?!

That silly parakeet! I wonder if it's telling tall tales. Bother bother. I couldn't find our tent either. Just my bag - yes! now I have to carry it myself. Bother. And Mazzy's stuff too.

That silly old piece of junk, gone off to Velnheim on his own?! Leaving me here with Mazzy - gone off with all the money!

Ok ok, Jules, calm down. There must be a way out of this mess.


Alright, I will find Velnheim with Mazzy - without the help of that ignorant fool, silly gasbag, thing! Huh! Discarding us like an old shoe. How can he leave a princess, the king's favourite too! to fend for herself! He obviously doesn't want to live.

Ok, concentrate. The parakeet has given you some useful information. Don't mind that ugly )!#@()@( ahhhhhhhhhhh. Ok. Calm. Down.

Velnheim is not far from here. At least not according to the parakeet. Alright, BOTHER, IT IS FAR FROM HERE. 70km on foot. Bother bother. But no matter - we will eventually reach Velnheim - and find that ... argh! ... for my money! and tent! and the donkeys I just bought yesterday to save us the trouble of walking! and that monstrous leech even took my favourite socks! Why on earth does he want my socks?!

What's wrong with him these days? He used to be only mildly irritating - annoying but still amusing. Now he is just like an oversized acne - ugly, full of dirty, horrible pus, and he always looks like he is going to burst at any time.


He didn't take my money, or donkeys, or tent, or my favourite socks. It was with Mazzy.

Anyway, the parakeet drew me a map. Kind, wonderful, beautiful parakeet. I should have known that parakeets spoke like humans here - anything could happen in the Town of Opposites! But that aside, hmm... the journey looks pretty straightforward to Velnheim. I do not know how on earth that stinky knight couldn't find his way to Velnheim. He is really bad at reading maps... though he was pretty good at the start of the journey - but then, he temper got worse and worse...

Anyway, on to Velnheim! No use thinking of that silly knight and his stinky ways. Come on Jules, you can put to use all those years of learning at the best school in the kingdom now.

Hmm. Now that I think of it... why did that parakeet help me? Why didn't he help Sir Irresponsible? It just flew to me and started talking to me. I thought I was having illusions. But then it started telling me how this town operated and how this town was hit by a hurricane years ago - and that changed everything. The hurricane basically blew everything topsy-turvy. Even how it blew humans into animals. Ooooh. No wonder there were so many talking animals at the market I went to yesterday!

Oh, and Mazzy seems perfectly fine after Sir Bonky's disappearance. She seems much better too - less worry lines on her forehead. She really should stop frowning. Frowns are never in fashion.

Sunday, 16 August 2009

The Diaries of Sir Robert the Violent: Volume VI

as told by Sir Robert

20 Atraie 1832

Time flies when you're having fun, they say. But what they never told you was that time also flies when you're unconscious. At any rate, after a good night's rest, memories have begun to crawl back into awareness.

The last thing I remember that has any semblance of clarity was my conversation with that warlock, Dorgray. Curious fellow, he was. And not the very best at making tea, I should say. Made me feel all dizzy and all.

The next thing I remembered was that I woke up in a dark, cold cell, bound by both my hands and feet to a rickety old chair with ropes of oily hemp. I suspect this may be the work of some nasty brigands who were obviously envious of my charming good looks. No matter, my head throbbed like a... a... thing that throbs.

It took awhile before the fuzzy curtain of my dazed state was finally lifted. Oh, how I would have gladly given anything for a nice hot bowl of broth and a warm cozy bed at that point. Curiously enough, I saw Remus preening himself, while peering rather quizzically at me. I knew it was a long shot, but I promised the rat that if he helped to undo my bonds, I would find him a nice hunk of cheese in return.

It must have worked, for when I next woke up the ropes that held me captive now lay scattered at the foot of my chair. As I made my way out of that irksome cell, the thought that troubled me the most was that my hair was in a total mess! How does one expect me to be valiant and dashing with this disheveled look?

The light of my lamp is dimming as I write. Perhaps I shall continue my recollections when I awake tomorrow.

21 Atraie 1832

The furnishings back at the inn are threadbare at best, but compared to my former prison, I felt as if I were in a luxury suite. Had my first hearty meal in days, and now my cheeks have begun to return to their former rosiness.

Stopped by the cheese shop to get the reward I had promised Remus. Much to my chagrin, that idiot shopkeep did not have a single ounce of cheese at all! The last of which he apparently sold to some guy called Monty, who needed it to feed his python. Ridiculous! Looks like I will have to look hard if I'm to pay Remus back.

After having been freed of my bonds, there was still the daunting task of escaping from the cell, which was guarded by a grumpy cyclops. He obviously didn't like very much the fact that I was not attached to the chair. What he didn't like even more was the fact that, in the next few minutes, the chair was pretty much attached to his head. I was led to conclude that while that rickety chair did not provide much comfort during my captivity, it certainly fared a whole lot better as a makeshift bludgeon.

But alas, I did not emerge from that altercation unscathed. The cyclops managed to connect a few glancing blows to my left shoulder, and had I been a tad more nimble I would have surely avoided another vicious uppercut of his. He could have near disfigured me, he could have. And this is why I eschew violence - because everyone seems to have an uncanny tendency to direct their violence at me!

22 Atraie 1832

I spent the whole day looking for her, and I am quite prepared to believe that Emeline is no longer in this town. I know she probably hates my guts by now, but she's not the type that would possibly run away. I mean, sure we don't see eye to eye on many issues, but she has always stuck with the group no matter what. And that is why lo... li... I admire her.

I just remembered something! Yesterday when I checked in, the innkeep had said, "back so soon?" I must have overlooked that query in my hunger and fatigue as a casual formality. He should have known I had been missing for days! I will ask him what he had meant by that first thing tomorrow morning.

23 Atraie 1832

Something is definitely amiss! Here is a quick recount of the conversation I had with the innkeep:

Innkeep: Well, you did leave this town a few days ago did you not?
Me: I'm quite sure that I have been here all this while, good sir.
Innkeep: Impossible. You even checked out! See? (he shows me his ledger)
Me: That... that is my name, but definitely not my handwriting. Are you sure it was me?
Innkeep: Very. And you were with those two girls when you left. I've been meaning to ask you where they are now, as a matter of fact.
Me: Wait! Two girls, you say. Did one of them wear a grey cloak?
Innkeep: Yes, she was rather strange. Aren't they supposed to be with you?
Me: *muttering* Apparently
Innkeep: Pardon?
Me: Oh, nothing. Uh... did you know where... uh... I said I had wanted to go?
Innkeep: You were heading to Velnheim were you not?
Me: So I was, so I was. This is most curious. Well thank you for your help, sir.
Innkeep: Most welcome, sir
Me: Up yours!

What's wrong with everybody these days? Can't they take even a simple compliment? Apparently the innkeep is one of such people. He really shouldn't have punched me so!

To Velnheim then! I must posthaste. Emeline could be in danger! It is imperative that I find her!

And Mazzy too. She has my bloody hairbrush!

Friday, 31 July 2009

The Diaries of Sir Robert the Violent: Volume V

as told by Sir Robert

?? Atraie 1832

This... cannot be... woke up... splitting headache...
Can't think straight... will write again tomorrow when I have the strength.

Everyone staring at me today... as if I were some stricken beast... can't they see I'm injured? They just have no em... what's that word again... em... em-pa... em...


Ugh... so tired... sleep now... worry about that tomorr

Wednesday, 22 July 2009

The Diaries of Princess Juliana: Volume VII

as told by Princess Juliana

1 Loares 1832

Time Flies!
How I hate Time Flies. Annoying buggers. Kill one and suddenly two minutes are gone. Ticking non-stop into our ears. I'm guessing they've not seen flesh and blood for at least 10 years. Mr. Unhelpful is killing them by the dozen. We're already losing light as it is, now it's almost total darkness. Almost maniacal I would say, the way he's killing the flies. 10 in one swoop... there goes 20 minutes.

Oh! I see some lights flickering in the distance. I hope we've finally reached Velnheim. Traveling with Mr. Grumpy's been no fun at all.

2 Loares 1832

Wow, I love how my room is brightened by the sun. Almost magical.

Oh wait, it is magic. This familiar golden dust. I've seen it somewhere. Where have I seen it? Think think think.
Think, come on, think.

Ah, I give up. Why should I bother anyway?
I'm in a good mood and that is all that matters...
for now.

I suppose we're going to look for the hidden library today. Isaac Angryfirst's library.
Isaac Isaac... why did you have to hide your library?

Mr. Jellybeans is in an absolutely stinky mood.
I didn't think he had such a mean streak in him. I was wrong. I could practically see the ends of his hair frizzle from his wrath. Pushing aside a girl who happened to be standing where she was, perfectly fine, but she apparently was "hogging up the whole road with your stupid pigtails and your ugly eyes!". I can't believe he roared that in front of everybody. It was weird no one seemed shocked though, but surprised, as if she suddenly jumped up and pulled off a feat of shooting into air suddenly and falling so realistically. Some even clapped. What a town!

I still can't believe what he did. All because he couldn't find his library. Big deal. It's not like we don't have time. Oh wait, yes. He must have realised that he killed too many Time Flies. If it wasn't for that maniacal look in his eyes, (I sadly have to admit that I was scared) I would have confronted him. Why, oh, why did I choose to come on this silly "adventure"? Hah. Adventure. What have I gotten myself into?

3 Loares 1832

Oh my, Mazzy scared me out of my skin today. I almost forgot that she was on the journey with us. She has been so quiet the past few days. I do not know what's gotten into her. I've been trying to talk to her but she seems moodier and moodier each time I try to talk about Sir Crazy. In fact, she seems to literally fade each time we talk about him. Oh dear. What on earth is happening?!

Sir Crazy's definitely becoming more than an I Soar (eye sore, get it? Haha!). Ok, that was lame, even my diary twitched when I wrote that. Hah. Aw, come on diary, it's the month of bad seplnlig!

Anyhow, I must look for a doctor to fix Mazzy's condition, disease... whatever it is, it is worrying. I too, I have to admit, am worried for Robert. He's very unlike himself... Maybe I should try harder in helping him look for the library. I think the parakeet on the nearby apple tree knows something. It's been blinking a million times per second at me since yesterday.